Tao of Transition

A Sign Post ~ Contemplate Vernacular

2007-10-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

Our lives are structured through the use of vernacular, the language of our locality, which has been crafted to describe, define and determine our experience on the planet. With transition, vernacular often serves to clarify and confuse the path we are embarking upon.

For instance, common transition vernacular includes terms (labels) and phrases such as "sex change", "female to male", "male to female", sex reassignment surgery", "crossdresser", "transsexual", "trans man" and "trans woman". Where did these terms and phrases originate? For what purpose were they crafted? To describe, define and determine our experience for examination purposes perhaps?

One only needs to look more closely at the first (verb) phrase above, sex change, to see how cleverly deceptive vernacular can be. First, what is sex? Biologically defined, sex is male (xy) or female (xx) and, rarely mentioned, intersex (30+ "conditions"). So what defines who is male and female? One often offered answer is that females produce large gametes (eggs) and males produce small gametes (sperm), which are important to the reproduction of our species. What does this mean for people who are unable/incapable of producing these gametes? Is a female who does not produce large gametes any less a female? So, to change sex means that we cease to produce gametes which make us incapable of reproduction or that we begin to produce the gametes of the "opposite sex"? NO! The whole idea of having a sex, being assigned a sex at birth, is riddled with problems. To learn more, I recommend reading Making Sex by Thomas Laqueur. In the book, Prof. Laqueur (UC Berkeley) outlines, historically, "the making and unmaking of sex over the centuries". It is a fascinating read!

Changing my sex was a legal and social process, not a physiological one (although hormones cause physiological occurrences). It is true that I now look, sound and live as a man, but I am not a reproductive male. I am no longer a reproductive female either. The weekly injections of testosterone into my body caused my menses to cease immediately. My legal sex change, so to speak, came as a result of petitioning the California Superior Court of San Francisco County ($300). My petition was granted, because I had been declared male by a licensed CA physician and certified (via notary public) as having undergone an "irreversible" surgical procedure which rendered me no longer female.

My social sex change came as a direct result of the weekly testosterone injections. The results of injecting 125mg of depotestosterone into my body every Sunday night are a much lower and deeper voice, the redistribution of fat cells from typical female locations on the body (thighs, buttocks, hips) to more typical male locations (waist), the slow but building presence of facial hair (beard, mustache, soul patch), prominent muscle development despite not joining a gym, a more angular looking face, broader shoulders
and so on.

One example of language used in transition, "sex change", begins to get at the point of this sign post, contemplate vernacular. I could expand upon the others that I mentioned previously, like FTM or MTF, but I won't. My point is not to dismantle language, but to draw attention to the usage, perhaps imposition, of words and phrases as they pertain to transsexuals and transsexuality.

In an effort to remain grounded in my gender through the beginning stages of my transition, the first and second years (I am in year 3), I needed to develop practices which allowed me to reflect upon what was happening to me; inside my body and my appearance as a direct result of the hormones and around me as my family members and friends adjusted to my new life.

Again, the intention of this sign post is to take into consideration the potentiality that words have to describe, define and determine our experience and how often these words go unchallenged, which may effect us in ways that we do not understand. For example, I refused to use the word/term transsexual to describe myself for the first 2 years of my transition. Why? Because, I had inherited the notion that to be a transsexual was to be mentally ill. I also inherited the notion that a transsexual had to suffer from mild to severe forms of Gender Identity Disorder. I did not speak these notions and biases out loud, I didn't even know that they were what was hindering me in this process. It wasn't until I was about to embark upon my third year of transition (what does that word really imply anyway?) that I hit upon this blockage and made an effort to clear it.

It isn't without problems though. I encounter people who tell me that using the word transsexual to describe myself is problematic, because it has been deemed a "medical" term, a term used against "us" by "them". And that may very well be true. Just as queer is a word that has been used to assault LGBT people with and has been reclaimed as a term of empowerment by some. I have chosen to reclaim the term transsexual as an empowerment term to describe myself, because that is what I have done, I have (from the Latin) legally and socially crossed over from female to male and/or in some ways gone beyond the designations of what it means to be female or male.

To contemplate vernacular means to question and reflect upon the words and phrases used/applied to the experiences, identities, connections and feelings that make up this thing we call "life", which for me has been a most awe inspiring journey in consciousness.

Namaste,

Zander

A Sign Post ~ Abandon Gender to Discover Gender

2007-09-09T08:33:00.000-07:00

Much of what I know about gender originates from inherited assumptions and borrowed notions. In an effort to discover my authentic gender, I have decided to abandon these notions and assumptions. This has proven to be an illuminating process of compassionate investigation.

One thing I discovered immediately was that these inherited assumptions and borrowed notions illustrate the power of interconnection. Gender does not exist in isolation, but lives in interconnectedness and interdependence. We see, learn and acquire assumptions and notions of gender through our connections to family, community, peers, colleagues, media and elsewhere.

My experience of gender, as I have been transitioning, is that it cannot be explained using words. Since I devote a lot of my time to speaking on panels, facilitating groups, leading workshops and providing consultation to organizations, congregations and families this has been a challenge for many of those I have encountered. They are seeking easy answers to what, for me, has not come easy - actualizing my authentic self.

How I tend to communicate who I am and what I have done often comes in the form of asking questions and offering advice to myself in an effort to gain a better understanding of my experience and be able to better communicate about it to others.

Some of the questions I ask and advice I give myself regularly are:

Do not be troubled with such things as "correct gender".
Allow an authentic gender to unfold, do not control it.
Remember that all transitions, nothing endures and everything continues.
What is gender?
Where is gender located?
Is gender innate and fixed?
Does everyone have (a) gender?

I do not attempt to solve these questions or feel compelled to take my own advice seriously. I am merely searching for meaning in life as it relates to my gender, because I have been told by trans and non-trans people that what this all means is that I have a disorder, gender identity disorder (GID). GID is classified as a mental illness and I do not accept that living into my authenticity is a mental illness. I think it would be mentally ill of me to not embrace wholeheartedly my journey toward actualizing my full potential. And GID, I think society has GID! Society wants to limit the potential of those who are gifted with the desire to cultivate their true self.

I have also been told by trans and non-trans people that because I am a man now, I must "act like a man". I am not sure I know what that means. No more so than I understood what people were telling me when they told me to "act like a woman". Both are nonsensical assertions, in my opinion.

Here are some things I realized about myself through this process:

For 39 years I was perceived to be female and therefore a woman, yet I realized that I never felt like a woman or understood what it meant to be a woman.
For the past 2 years, I have been perceived to be male and therefore a man, yet I do not know what it means to feel like a man or understand what it means to be a man.
As a female I was perceived as too masculine, therefore a lesbian.
As a male I am perceived as too feminine, therefore a gay man.

For now I am content to relate to my gender as it unfolds in an unplanned way without embellishment or agenda. I am open to hearing the intuitive messages and paying attention to what resonates from within without coaxing. For now my gender is fluid and follows the watercourse way and I am floating along gently and calmly.

I meditate on this: Notice the difference between a desire to feel grounded in gender & feeling grounded with gender.

My gender expression and identity cannot be actualized through hurriedness and forcefulness.

Namaste,

Zander

Starting Out On The Tao of Transition

2007-08-25T09:27:00.000-07:00

Welcome! You have found your way to my Tao of Transition blog. I began my journey of physical transition in August 2005 . However, it was 1996 when I began my psychological transition. It was back then that I became aware of female to male transsexuals (FTMs). For those of you new to the world of transsexuals and transsexuality, I will attempt to describe my physical transition.

When I say that I began my physical transition in August 2005, what I mean by that is, I began injecting testosterone (T) into my body weekly. I inject 125mg per week, which is far lower than the amount a body builder would inject into their body on a weekly basis. As a direct result of injecting T into my body, I now have a much lower voice, much more hair on my body, less hair on my head, a mustache and beard, broader shoulders, more muscular tone and definition on my arms and legs and more visible veins in my hands, arms, feet and legs.

Then in June 2006, I underwent Chest Reconstruction Surgery. That means my chest was surgically sculpted/contoured to better reflect my maleness. Basically, I look like a man. I am a man, legally, socially and medically. I legally became recognized as male by the California Superior Court for the County of San Francisco in November 2005. As a result, I was able to request a corrected birth certificate be issued in my new name and with male as my birth sex. My CA Driver's License now states I am male. My U.S. Passport states that I am male. My health insurance has me listed as male.

As a direct result of being recognized as male legally, my partner Margaret and I were married, on Earth Day 2006. Margaret and I met while studying for theology degrees at the Pacific School of Religion in Berkeley, CA. Prior to being married, Margaret and I had been in a Domestic Partnership.

Back to my transition...

My first exposure to FTMs was through a film, You Don't Know Dick: Courageous Hearts of Transsexual Men, which screened at the San Diego Queer Film Festival. The film features pioneering trans men, Jamison Green, Max Valerio and Loren Cameron. The film captured them in their day to day lives and told their personal stories with grace and warmth. While in the theater, I had the experience of watching something that resonated with me, but I did not feel motivated to take action. I just absorbed the message of the film and then let it go.

Then in 1997, a friend called me up and asked me to come over to her house. She wanted to show me a new book that she had just bought. It was Loren Cameron's Body Alchemy. Body Alchemy features photographs, taken by Cameron, of FTMs. One section shows before and after style photos, showing pictures of the men prior to beginning their physical transition. One section shows Cameron's transition through a series of photographs beginning before transition and ending with him posing naked showing off his very well toned muscular body.

Looking at Cameron's book, unlike the film, did motivate me to take action. In that moment I realized that I was a transsexual, although it would take me ten years to become comfortable enough with that word to actually use it to describe my life.

This blog will not be chronicling my transition, as there are plenty of those kinds of blogs out there already. I am going to use my blog to talk about transition, reflectively, through a Taoist lens.

My intention is to draw out ideas and concepts in Taoism and apply them to my physical, emotional, mental and psychological transition from female to male. I will be writing a blog post periododically, with the intention of writing 1-2 per month, so Enjoy!

Blog Topics to come...

Signposts Along the Tao of Transition

Abandon Gender to Discover Gender
Contemplate Vernacular
Play with Paradox
Take Respite in Not Knowing
Release Perfection
Strive for Flexibility
Cultivate Inquisitiveness
Embrace Inaction

Pondering's Along the Tao of Transition

Perspective - How may one truly know that which they do not know?
Multiplicity - What are the many ways that we may meet our needs?
Innovation - How do we make the most of what we have?
Acceptance - How do we move beyond resistance and struggle?

Convergence Along the Tao of Transition (where East meets West)

Flexible Adherence
Effortless Effort
Release Grasping
Name the Namer
Accessing Flow

Downward
Upward
Inward
Outward
Still

Rest Along the Tao of Transition

Positive Inner Peace

Reflections Along the Tao of Transition

Pink/Blue

Complementary
Integrated
Unified
Balanced
Overlap
Interplay
Change
Spontaneity

Namaste,

Zander